Two-year-olds are meant to be terrible – hence Terrible
Twos. Three-year-olds are meant to be like mini-teenagers – hence Threenagers.
Four-year-olds are meant to extremely lively – hence Fournados. Our little one
has acquired a fascinating combination of all of these three ages. 90% of the
time he is a little bundle of joy – extremely polite, quite chatty and very
helpful. The other 10% is so unexpected, therefore, that when it happens it
seems like someone else has inhabited the body of our dear, sweet boy – some kind
of three-headed demon. At times if you just catch him out the corner of your
eye you could be forgiven for thinking his head was rotating 360 degrees and
666 had appeared in his scalp, such is the extent of the apparent demonic
possession!
However, even though we have a creepy old priest on speed
dial just in case a full exorcism is required, by the time he arrives at the
front door with bible and crucifix in hand, our little one has forgotten he was
ever kicking off and is back to being a little angel, leaving us looking at him
with a mixture of relief, confusion and mild terror.
There are few obvious triggers that we have started to
notice, which we know will generally result in meltdown. Anything that prevents
him from digging holes in the garden is a big one.
‘Daddy, dig dig.’
‘Sorry son, it’s time for lunch’
‘Dig dig. DIG DIG!!!!!!’
Five minutes later, despite a wide range of attempted bribes,
including biscuits, Peppa Pig and nanny, the situation has reached breaking
point and carrying him back into the house like a particularly pissed off
python is the only option remaining, whilst desperately trying to avoid being
bashed in the bollocks by a flying limb. Carrying him inside is, of course,
heavily dependent on being able to pick him up in the first place though – no mean
feat giving that he has now mastered a variety of ‘carrying avoidance
techniques’. These techniques generally involve him making himself as
streamlined as possible and then wriggling like a randy octopus. The most successful
of these is where he raises both arms above his head and performs a mid-air
planking manoeuvre. Even if you do manage to grab hold of a flailing body part
he will then attempt to dive head-first out of the side of your arms repeatedly
until you are left carrying him by one ankle.
It’s a special time.
Once you’ve dragged him inside he will then be inconsolable
for a few minutes, bashing at the back door like a drunk person who has been
refused entry into a nightclub. There are no winners in this game of toddler
tantrum and the most you can hope for is that he will soon realise that the
game is up and that there is probably something more interesting he could be
doing. After he calms down a bit, a nice hug will help smooth things over and
he will pretty quickly return to his former self. The biscuit / toy / bottle /
TV that he threw across the room a couple of minutes previously will now be gleefully
hunted down and he will give you a cheeky look and smile as if to say ‘We must
do that again sometime, Daddy.’
It’s not so bad when at home, as aside from 10 minutes of
feeling pretty stressed, there is no one else there to see / judge / make
indiscreet tutting noises. Out in public however is a whole new level of stress
and generally seems to occur when I am carrying something. The queue for the
till in Sainsbury’s Café, for example – tray in hand, with delicately balanced
soft drinks on board – was not a fun experience! Little one was desperate to
run off into the café, and hasn’t quite yet got to grips with the necessary
evil of queuing up and paying for food before you can eat it. Attempting to
restrain a toddler who is intent on getting somewhere, whilst carrying liquids,
with a Thomas rucksack over one shoulder, whilst in a queue of tutting
pensioners is not an experience I would endeavour to repeat, although of course
I styled it out by making conversation about the weather whilst doing so.
Fortunately, Sarah timed her return from the car with perfection and distracted
him with the potential of putting a 2p coin in the twirly charity collection
machine.
So, is there any way of ‘fixing’ a full-on tantrum
situation? If there is, I’d love to know! Some things that seem to limit the
damage, however, are as follows:
Remain calm – easier said than done I know, but pretty
essential. The last thing you want is for your toddler to have to drag you up
off the floor and offer you a tea to calm you down once he has finished
screaming.
Employ proactive tantrum-avoidance strategies – If you know it’s
coming, pre-empt it by highlighting potential alternative option, e.g. if you
come inside you can see nanny, or if you stop swinging from the chandelier I’ll
take you to the park.
Use snacks – always the best solution to virtually every
situation. Always carry snacks on you wherever you go. Big bags of them. Stuff
your trouser pockets full of toddler snacks to the extent that you look like MC
Hammer if you need to. Just get it done!
Perfect your ‘are you shitting me’ / ‘don’t even think about
it’ look – this should be used liberally when strangers try to involve
themselves in your misery. The last thing you want is for some old dear who had
children in the 1920s, and kept them in a cage, to start dishing out parenting
advice to you.
‘Have you tried giving him a dummy?’
‘Maybe he is tired?’,
‘Smack his bum’,
‘Does he want a sweet’
‘Is he your first?’
‘Don’t you think you should do something?’
Just stare at them and carry on with what you think is best,
because surprisingly you might know a little bit more about your child after 2
years than a complete stranger does.
Don’t Leave The House – not an ideal solution perhaps, but
worth considering!!
Get ‘It’s Just A Phase’ tattooed across your forearm – so you
can look at it and give yourself hope that it will pass – eventually.
Completely abdicate parental responsibility – a last resort,
but if you just sit on the sofa watching TV, drinking vodka and checking
Facebook you will probably quite successfully manage to avoid doing the things
that irritate your little bundle of joy. Admittedly, your little one might
break himself quite quickly, so do use this option with caution, especially when
his two-year assessment is the next day!!
Although our little one is going through a bit of an
emotional stage, he’s still bloody awesome and I wouldn’t change him for the
world!